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I could make you happy

Listening to: “Set Fire to the Third Bar” – Snow Patrol

Well it is definitely a day to vent so just bare with me for now. Lets begin with work…it sucked. Everything that could go wrong did. The only highlight of my day was the guy that they had me working with, Lee. He’s funny and made the time go by pretty fast. He’s a flirt, which is flattering it made me feel giddy and stupid because all I could do was laugh, but thinking back on the whole thing I feel guilty. I guess because Jacob doesn’t make me feel that way anymore.

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I called my best friend Candice on the phone today, and while talking about the whole me and Jacob situation she brought up something that caught be off guard.

“Sara, I think you’ve changed with him…and not really for the good.”

“Do what?!? What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know. Out of the two of us you have always been the one that did whatever you want despite what anyone else thinks. You’ve never been afraid to tell someone how you felt or that you didn’t agree with them.”

“Hmmmmm. Yeah I guess you’re right.” 

“You know its true. He dictates everything you do, and you let him. It’s just not like you.”

And at that point I broke down. Its like I had been hit in the face with a brick. Here is my friend of 20 years telling me that I wasn’t the independent, free spirited, outgoing girl that I have always been. I cried. She said,”What’s the big deal…I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Truth is she hadn’t hurt my feelings she’d gave me a reality check.

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I cave in to everything that Jacob says. I let him manage the finances because he argues about the way I keep the checkbook. I don’t use my debit card because I never know what’s in the bank, and God forbid that I over draft the account because I will never hear the end of it.  He thinks I’m just young and irresponsible. There’s only four years between us and I just don’t see how that’s enough of an age gap to make him more versed in life and more responsible than me.  It almost made me mad.

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I also mentioned Lee to her. She laughed. At first it irritated me, but then she said that maybe it was a good thing. “It’s always good to know you’re wanted Sara. It’s good that someone can make you feel special like that, but if you are ashamed maybe you should tell Jacob and let him know he don’t make you feel that way anymore.” HA! Not happening in a million years. He’d be furious, he’s so jealous that when we are out in public if a guy looks at me he mutters under his breath some obscene slur. I can only imagine how mad it would make him it I told him. He’d probably either make me quit or hunt Lee down outside of work and attempt to scare the wits out of him.

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And while browsing the web I came across another blog that had quotes and inspirations on it and one quote caught my eye. Made me think about Jacob. We’ve talked about divorce, but decided to keep working at it. We just keep spinning our wheels though which is what makes the whole situation harder to figure out. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. Anyways here’s the quote.

“Sometimes in life, you are meant to love another but not forever. Sometimes you are meant to love someone for experience, not for lifelong commitment.”  ~ Unknown.

Maybe that is me and Jacob. I just try not to let divorce be an option because he’s already been married and divorced once his senior year of high school. He married this girl who he had gotten pregnant. After she’d miscarried she divorced him. He says he is happy it didn’t work out with her but I would still feel bad because he has no where to go and owns nothing but his car. I don’t wanna be the villain for leaving him with “nothing” and making him start over. Plus I love his family and I’ve become pretty good friends with his sisters. I just don’t want them to hate me.  =\ Stupid reasons I guess. People are always saying that personal happiness is really what matters in a divorce and not to worry about anything except your own happiness. I just don’t know, I just feel sort of selfish if I don’t consider all the consequences. Maybe its just something to put in the back of my mind for now.

Listening to:  “In the Mourning” — Paramore

Well where do I begin? I guess a little bit of backstory would help. I’m Sara, 22. Married to Jacob, 26. We’ve been married a little over a year but have been together for almost 6 all together. Like any marriage we have our ups and our downs. Unfortunately it is like a roller-coaster…extreme highs and devastating lows. And just like every relationship there is arguments, lies, laughs, tears, and temptations.

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Jacob works a lot…maybe too much. I feel like a balloon tied to a weight. I’m such a free spirit, happy, irrational, silly, optimistic, & so outgoing and Jacob is the opposite.And things really changed for us after we got married….and then again when we moved in with my dad to help out with some bills and save money for a house. After living with dad for almost six months now we both get on each others nerves at least half the time and its become stagnant…complacent and comfortable. Its so hard to spice things up and get past this roadblock. I think whats made it even harder is that he works all the time and when he is off he goes out with his buddies (all of which are single). I quit my job almost a month ago…and recently I’ve found some part-time work to help keep up the bills. I also want to go to school for graphic design but Jacob doesn’t think that it’s anything worth pursuing and we are constantly bickering about all sorts of things. Money. Work. School. Family. EVERYTHING! It’s been a total turn off. We never do anything together…especially not anything that is intimate. Nothing romantic.  Its cut and dry.

 “Hey. How was work?”

  “Fine. And your day…how was your day?”

“That’s good.”

 “Yeah.” (Kiss on cheek or forehead)

 “Love you.”

 “Love you too.”

Feels more like we are just roomates that tolerate each other not a married couple. Definitely not a married couple that has only been married a year! I’m at such a lost and have no clue what to do. We talk things over and then a couple weeks later we are right back in the same place, its like being in quicksand…the more we fight it and try to get out of this rut the deeper we sink.

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Honestly I’ve been debating whether or not to start this blog for a couple of weeks…but I feel like this is going to be my way of venting and resolving a lot of my personal life. they always say things are 20/20 in hindsight and maybe if I have it documented It will be extra clear. So anyways, thanks for reading and attempting to keep up. =] I’m gonna have to go to bed I will post again tomorrow.